


Ineffable rabbits

by someone_enoemos



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angry Gabriel (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Caring Aziraphale (Good Omens), Caring Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Gardens & Gardening, M/M, Rabbits, They/Them Pronouns for Aziraphale (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Crowley (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:54:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28944027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someone_enoemos/pseuds/someone_enoemos
Summary: "I don't know what that human thinks they're doing, but they're going to destroy us if we don't do something about it" Aziraphale whispered, still in shock."And how do you plan on doing that?" a very fed up Crowley hissed, they'd had enough now. The human needed to go."I have part of a plan" the cashmere whispered "I just need time"Rabbits Crowley and Aziraphale have been on the 'hop' for a long time, but after finally settling down, will they be able to live in Gabriel's garden peacefully? Will they be able to live at all?
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	1. Close call

The small village of Sherfield was always quiet. The few residents were old, well older than the man running back and forth through his rather sizable garden. The man in question was a man in his mid-thirties, who wore dungarees, because doesn’t every gardener?

He was furious. Once again those bothersome rabbits had been eating away at his beloved cabbages. Their teeny teeth making miniscule, yet noticeable puncture marks and tearing at the leaves. How is he supposed to make money off of these? Oh he could picture the customers faces, how they would grimace, and bite their tongues, for if they were to speak, a string of malicious, insensitive words would be spoken. He didn’t want that. He couldn’t have that.

“Come here, you filthy, vile wretches!” he shrieked, as he hunted the two rabbits down, nearly tripping over his old, rusted wheelbarrow. The two tiny rabbits ‘hopped’ and ‘jumped’ down to the carrot planter, where a tiny hole had been dug, rather frantically I must say, many months ago when they had first discovered the garden. They were extremely malnourished, having only lived on scraps they could find from rubbish bins. The humans were extremely wasteful, which was the only thing the small mammals liked about them.

The two jumped down the hole, and began to calm down. They were safe, again, and with them they brought snacks. Content with their venture having succeeded, one of the rabbits, a black otter rex who called themself ‘Crowley’, proceeded to split their treasure in half, making sure to give their best pal and lover (a white cashmere lop) Aziraphale the larger half. They did have an enormous appetite, after all. Besides, they knew Aziraphale would end up stealing some of theirs anyway.

“Thank you, my dear” the cashmere rubbed their face with their lover, before proceeding to eat their half of the food, unable to contain their obvious excitement. Aziraphale loved food. Although, I must add, not nearly as much as they love Crowley. Crowley was their world, they would do anything to make sure they were content and healthy. Crowley was everything they ever needed; happiness, warmth, love, and adventure. Crowley was their home, and not even food could replace or fix that.

Crowley took their time eating. Their appetite wasn’t anywhere as big as Aziraphale’s, therefore allowing them to save extra for them. They were lucky to have escaped that time. The gardener was already grumpy on a day to day basis, but they couldn’t help but take notice of his ever-increasing hostility toward them. Had they gone too far this time? 

There was no time for dwelling on such thoughts, however, for the sun had started to fall, the moon was stopping by for another visit. As day became night, the two mammals grew weary, and huddled together for comfort, for warmth. A storm was coming, a big storm. A terrifying storm. Oh, if only they knew what was coming.


	2. Gabriel

At around 5 o’ clock in the morning, Gabriel sat at his old, dirty dining table, as he did every other day. Everyday was always the same, a schedule he had grown rather fond of. Nothing new, nothing to worry him. Well, that was until those little nuisances had wormed their way into his life. Day by day he had practically sat back and watched as they ruined everything he had ever worked for. His prized lettuces? He had to chuck them away, for they were half eaten, and rotting at quite a fast pace. The carrots? You’d be lucky if they survived a single day-to-night cycle. What of the radishes? He wouldn’t know. He had planted them last year, but they never grew. Perhaps they had dug them up.

Outside, Aziraphale was by the remaining lettuces. They were simply famished, although they had only eaten the previous evening. Crowley, though exhausted, made sure to keep an eye out for their lover, in case the human were to spot them. Neither of them knew why the human was so angry. They were only hungry, and the only good food they could find just so happened to be in his garden, they couldn’t help it. The man had a talent for growing the nicest, largest vegetables, and they simply could not pass up the opportunity to taste said vegetables. Crowley thought, that maybe the human should be glad they were eating his vegetables, because at least he knows he’s growing nice food, and not disgusting food, the food they used to find in the black waste bins. My goodness, do humans waste a lot of good food.

As Gabriel stood up from his desk, something caught his eye. A ball of white fluff, by his cabbages. Again. He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had seen it coming, of course, but that didn’t make it any less irritating. He would have to remember to dig up that cabbage and throw it away later. 

He threw on his oversized, old green coat, and grabbed his car keys. He needed more seeds, as the last he planted had been dug up by the black rabbit. He knew he needed to do a much better job at protecting his produce, but what else could he really do? Rabbits most likely are not scared of scarecrows, plus, they’re pretty strange looking, and Gabriel cared about his garden’s image far more than he would ever admit. As embarrassing as this makes him feel, he’s actually tried to catch the little buggers himself. He’d made a little cage (well it more so resembled a wooden mess, with nails sticking out, not to mention part of it was already falling apart by the time he’s finished it), but as implied, it didn’t work, in fact he’d ended up crushing two of his pumpkins in attempt to grab the white one. He’s not trying that again.

As he walked into the small village shop, the cashier greeted him with a small smile. He liked the cashier, a short woman, who looked to be in her late twenties. She always made an effort to welcome him, whether it be a smile or a small “hello!”, he liked the atmosphere she created whenever he was there. With a small wave, he walked towards one of the many shelves, which was stocked top-to-bottom with various supplies, including various vegetable, fruit and flower seeds. Gabriel didn’t like flowers all that much. He thought they were useless, what was the point of them? To look pretty? They were everywhere, it wasn’t as if they were sparse, food however, was much more necessary. No one needs flowers to survive.

He picked up a few packets of carrot, radish and cabbage seeds, before walking up to the cashier, and taking out loose change.  
“That’ll be two pounds and fifty pence, please” The woman smiled, Gabriel taking out a two pound coin, alongside a fifty pence coin, handing them over, before picking up his seeds. With another small wave, he left the shop, and began to walk home, dreading the very moment he sees those rabbits again.

“Crowley, dear” Aziraphale frowned, as the human returned home. “Why does he hate us so much? Have we done anything to hurt him?” They looked back at Crowley, who had finally moved to stand next to them, also watching the man walk across the garden path toward the door. Crowley sighed, hating seeing their lover upset about anything, let alone this.

“Perhaps he has bad mood swings. Maybe he finds us annoying” Crowley drifted off, letting out yet another exhausted sigh. It was only 7 o’ clock in the morning, far too early to be thinking about something like this. They would usually leave the deep thinking until midday, although, to be perfectly honest, sometimes Crowley doesn’t want to think too deeply. They have everything they could ever want here: a (seemingly) infinite food source, a warm place to sleep and Aziraphale. Why should they try and seek approval from a human? Especially one that’s caused nothing but stress and anxiety for the both of them. Absolutely not. Besides, humans are boring. They live through the same old, mundane days where nothing really happens (for the most part, that is). Now Crowley and Aziraphale’s lives were different. It was exciting, dangerous, but most importantly no day was ever the same. Why can’t humans be like them?

Perhaps it was time for the both of them to realise that rabbits and humans were never meant to understand each other in the first place.


	3. Up to no good

A very loud ‘BANG’ awoke Crowley and Aziraphale from their sleep. Not used to hearing such loud, irritating noises, Crowley peered out of their burrow, to see the tool shed’s light on. They figured it was Gabriel in there, but what on earth was he doing at one in the morning? He was never awake this late. From what the two had learned about his daily routines, Gabriel was only ever up until eleven o’ clock at the very latest. What he does before that they have no clue, but they have never really been all that interested in finding out, either. 

“Crowley? What on earth is he up to in there?” Aziraphale frowned, not used to being up so early in the morning.   
“Not sure, but if we know anything about that human, it’s nothing good. We should be more careful from now on” Crowley sighed quietly. They knew better than to poke their noses where they’re not needed, or wanted for that matter. Not to mention, it was dangerous enough to simply exist in the same space as the human, let alone get in his way and annoy him. 

“Well I do hope he isn’t doing something bad, that wouldn’t be good at all!” Aziraphale cried, they wanted so badly to believe he wasn’t doing something bad, but they also knew Gabriel to be a mean, cold human. So in other words, they knew he was up to no good. 

All of a sudden the shed doors burst open, and a sweaty, tired looking Gabriel stumbled out, carrying what looked to be like several pieces of very badly made fencing. The wood he had used was of different shades and types, making it a colourful mess, not to mention the various holes and chips in the holes. What was he using this poor excuse for fencing for, because if he was planning on putting that around his precious vegetables, he might as well just not have bothered to put the effort in, not that it really looked as if he had actually put any in.

‘Oh’ the two rabbits thought, as they were right. Gabriel set to work, carefully placing the poorly made fencing around the many vegetable plots in the garden. By the time he had finished, his garden looked horrible. The aesthetic was ruined, and poor Aziraphale had to cover their eyes. Not only was this completely unnecessary (at least in their eyes, they didn’t think they had ever caused any trouble for the human), but it made the garden look horrible.

Crowley, on the other hand, laughed at the human’s pathetic attempt to keep them away from his food. He knew the man was ridiculous, but this was honestly the icing on the cake. This would be so easy to get past, with so many rabbit-sized holes, they’d have no problem getting their daily amount of delicious vegetables. Does he not see how stupid this is? Surely he isn’t this stupid? However, Crowley was just starting to understand how desperate this man was to stop them from eating his vegetables. Well, two can play that game, human. 

“What are you smirking at?” Aziraphale turned to look at their lover, raising an eyebrow. Aziraphale knew Crowley too well, they had a certain look on their face; a slight smile, narrowed eyes. Crowley was plotting something, they just knew it. They also knew that Crowley may end up getting them into more trouble than they already were with Gabriel. 

“Hmm? Oh, nothing, he’s just so stupid it’s funny” Crowley chuckled, hoping that would stave off Aziraphale’s suspicion. Their attempt was in vain, however, as their lover’s suspicion had only grown at their response. Crowley just couldn’t keep secrets around them, it was impossible. It was as if Aziraphale had a built in lie detector, well they wouldn’t be all that surprised if that was the truth. 

As Gabriel smiled proudly at his end result, he brushed his hands on his trousers. A simple habit of his, he’d picked it up from a friend. He shivered in the crisp, morning air. He wore a short sleeved, torn grey shirt, with a pair of jeans. The jeans in question were covered in paint stains, a reminder of the time Gabriel had attempted to paint his upstairs bathroom. Needless to say, he was never doing that again, at least not on his own anyway. 

“That ought to keep away those pests, try and get to my vegetables now!” he shouted rather loudly, obviously intending on the two rabbits hearing him. He was too drunk on his victory to notice how much of an awful job he had done. That, and it was too dark to properly see, and had used a torch (dimly lit it must be said). One of humankind’s many flaws, they can’t even see in the dark. The thought made Crowley snicker quietly.

Once Gabriel had walked back inside, still cheering, the two rabbits decided to get a closer look (well in Crowley’s eyes, it was ‘get a closer look and see just how badly Gabriel had managed to mess this up’). As they neared the cabbage plot, they had already counted a number of large holes, with more than enough room to squeeze in and out of. By the carrot patch, it seemed as if Gabriel had gotten impatient, as in places where there should have been wood, there was nothing to be seen. Aziraphale couldn’t help but chuckle, just imagining the human’s face when he looks out of the window tomorrow to see how horrible his fencing had turned out.

Crowley was scheming. They wanted Gabriel to see just how bad his fencing was. Oh they were full of ideas, and they smirked mischievously. Bring it on, human...


	4. Danger

Gabriel woke up to discover he had a rather bad headache. After he had celebrated his to-be short lived victory, he had opened a bottle of wine, thinking he wouldn’t need to get up as early as he would any other day. Thinking his vegetables were finally safe from those little pests. Oh boy, was he wrong. However, as he checked his alarm, the time had read 11:00 am, far too late for him to sleep in, he had work to do. He stood up, feeling the inevitable sense of dread and dizziness, and threw on a pair of overalls. He would have to take some medicine for the headache later. 

Gabriel decided to make some pancakes, a very rare occurrence for the gardener, but he felt he deserved a nice breakfast for once. As he mixed together the ingredients for said pancakes, he looked out of his kitchen window, and he froze. What on earth was he looking at? Gabriel was rendered practically speechless. His face paled at the realisation that he had certainly not succeeded in keeping the rabbits away, for he caught a glimpse of white hopping towards his carrots. With a cry of panic, Gabriel grabbed whatever was closest to him (which just so happened to be a mop) and ran outside, completely forgetting about the pancakes now sizzling away in the pan.

As he threw open the front door, his breath caught in his throat. How on earth did he manage to do such an awful job? It was a simple task. Make some fencing, save the vegetables, stop the rabbits. Not nail pieces of wood together, chuck (well it may as well have been described as such, as there were chunks of “fencing” laying on the ground) the wood in the garden and hope it keeps them away. He felt a sudden surge of embarrassment. Oh if anyone were to see him now. He felt a complete failure. His vegetables were never going to be safe, customers would refuse to buy his vegetables. He might as well kiss his beloved garden away now.

Gabriel felt furious. He tightened his grip on the mop handle, stomping his way toward the carrot patch, where the ball of white had made itself rather comfortable, sinking its tiny teeth into one of the carrots. He got ready to swing, his face a stormy rage.

Crowley, who had decided to stay back by their little home, had seen what was about to go down, and with a small shriek, had began to sprint over toward the human and Aziraphale.  
“Aziraphale! Aziraphale move you silly idiot, the human! The human’s coming!” the otter rex had screamed, hoping they could move their little legs fast enough to get to Aziraphale before the human. Aziraphale, blissfully unaware of what was about to happen, happily continued to chew their carrot, savouring the delicious taste with happy little sighs of contentment. Crowley began to panic. Aziraphale couldn’t hear them. They had no choice but to hope they could get there before something bad happened.

As Gabriel brought the mop handle around to swing, the otter rex had managed to knock the cashmere out of the way before the handle could hit them. Gabriel looked toward the pair of rabbits, his facial expression unwavering. He went to swing the handle at them once more, but the rabbits were quick to move out of his way, and run back toward their hole. Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, still panting heavily. His fists clenched and unclenched repeatedly. He took a few steps back, and attempted to control his breathing. He looked around after a few moments, and his face paled when he looked at his kitchen window. He had forgotten about the pancakes, and could see a fire beginning to grow. With a yell, he ran back inside and put said fire out, with water.

Once the fire was out, he scraped what was left of the pancakes into the bin. Another bowl of cereal wouldn’t hurt for today. His hands gripped the counter, so hard in fact they were starting to turn white. He had experienced his fair share of anger and frustration (thanks to those furballs), but this was truly the icing on the cake. The fury was starting to eat away at any sanity he had left. He’d had enough. He knew now that he’d have to get rid of those rabbits for good, and he knew just who to call. They won’t even see it coming, and he snickered slightly at the thought. Anything to keep his vegetables safe.

In the burrow, Aziraphale was still shaking, just thinking that he was seconds away from being beaten with a mop. Crowley was trying their very best to comfort their lover.  
“I thought he was going to kill me, Crowley! Oh goodness! I’ve never seen him so angry!” Aziraphale rambled, anxiety eating away at them.  
“But he didn’t. You’re safe, you’re with me. Nothing can hurt you here, especially when i’m here” Crowley whispered, nuzzling their lover’s cheek.

Both rabbit’s ears perked up when they overheard the human talking to someone. Curiosity getting the better of the two of them, they popped their small heads out of their burrow, to see the human had his phone to his ear, pacing back and forth by the cabbages.  
“Thursday? I can’t do thursday, I’m busy. Sunday is too late, surely you can come earlier? Friday, yeah of course. That’s fine, thank you” Gabriel smiled slightly, hearing the small buzzing noises on the other end of the phone. 

Gabriel hung up, and smiled. Soon he wouldn’t have to worry about those pests.


End file.
